I was recently registering for the upcoming 24 Hours of Lemons race at Sonoma and noticed I could add solo drivers with a click of a button. I thought it would be fun to check out their advertisements and comment on them (red text is me). This is part 1 of 4.
Unfucking likely
- I can drive anything really fast .. either your first or your last. If you’re going to say just one thing, don’t make it about speed. This is an endurance race you know. You can drive before the first or after the last driver.
- Been racing asphalt and dirt for 24 years from 4cyl truck to sprint cars. Have some experience on road coarse via super care experience and porsche experience. Very mechanical work on and build all my own stuff. If you want to impress me with your attention to detail, try not having 3 spelling errors in one sentence.
- Just some stupid kid from san diego who likes to drive fast. Imagine thinking your tiny bit of self-deprecating humor would carry the day…
- Hello Lemons finatics, my name is XXXX and I am an aspiring Lemons participant. I’ve got racing in my blood and training to back it up. I’d love a chance to get my foot in the door of the lemons world. If ‘finatics’ was misspelled for greater effect, like wanting to race on an aquatic-themed team then maybe, but I don’t need someone with racing in their blood. I’d rather have someone with brain cells in their head.
- I am a driver. Karting, Radical SR3. Would love to join a team looking for a driver. Willing to help with anything! Driving is only part of the equation, and not the most important part.
- Wild and crazy good driver with a big truck and car trailer if needed! Even bad pornography is more imaginative than this.
- My name is XXXX and I’m 30. I have a Class A CDL, have driven a nascar at 150 mph, driven a lamborghini and a Mclaren 570GT. I am real comfortable under high tense situations and love going fast. I have experience in suspension. This is literally triggering.
- It might not sound too great but i grew up street racing and not just in a straight line. I have a 1 talent and passion and that is racing. Im not afraid to take calculated risks. Im also not afraid of highspeeds in corners. All i need is one chance! Well, at least we can agree that this doesn’t sound too great. Please don’t come to Sonoma.
- I love the racing sport but sadly I’m only 13 and not eligible to drive an actually far yet, but I’m getting into competitive go kart racing and am looking for some inspiration. Please write back telling me how I can go pro! Don’t you hate Internet trolls?
- I’m 52 have driven trucks for 27 years just retired now I am a boat mechanic and I love going fast. 52 going on 18.
- I’m a 21 yrs old from Belgium, home of Spa. Grew up with fuel in my vains from a racing family. I’ve raced my whole life and would love to have some fun with racing. If it allows i’m down to travel wherever to race. Driver looking for a team :) Raced your whole life! All 21 years! OMG I need to sign you up right now!
- Driver, done a few track days. Looking to learn and have fun! There is honesty in this one. Sadly, no personality.
- I’m 18 and anything and everything to do with cars is what I love and I just wanna drive and I already drive fast so I figured I might as well try to do it legally. Please stop vaping. It’s killing your brain cells.
- I ain’t not Jeff Gordon, but I know how to drive a fuckin car. First off, I don’t follow football. Second, if you’re going to use the f-word, make it work for you not against.
- Experienced in all fields of racing please contact me @ XXX-XXX-XXXX. This isn’t a bathroom wall you know.
- I have no IRL racing experience, and I cannot drive stick. All of my “racing” has been done in iRacing. I can’t provide any equipment or money as I’m saving for a baby. That said, I’ll bring positivity and I’m not afraid to get my hands dirty. There are more red flags here than a ChumpCar race.
you suck at racing 
Re: the first one – also, if you say only one thing, don’t make an ungrammatical error that somehow changes the meaning to something even worse.
Were these a selected group of misfits or the full slate on offer?
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Full slate
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Sorry, I mean I have 4 posts coming that have the whole set of them.
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Do you remember that kid at Sonoma who got kicked off his team, still not having a clue that he was the problem? He was too short and couldn’t see out the windshield, and they didn’t use the tires he recommended so he couldn’t keep the car on the track, and some third dumb reason. Classic, and amazing. He was telling us matter of factly how all these things were problems caused by someone else.
I met a guy once who wanted to drive for us. He started his pitch saying “I can win this for you.” That’s all I needed to hear.
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I had forgotten about that kid. I guess that’s why I have a blog: so I can write stuff down and remember it later.
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Regarding the kid from Belgium, sometimes you come across kids who really have been racing their whole lives and it shows, even at such a young age. I started autocrossing in 2017, in my mid 30’s. In 2019, I decided to run the Miata locally, at the behest of the organizer who wanted someone to prove tat you didn’t need power to go fast.
I ended up having a fantastic rivalry with a kid of 18 or 19 at the time, driving a mildly upgraded 02 WRX. This kid pushed me to develop new techniques to overcome my car’s limitations, and I had the best experience all season. He pushed me to become a better driver, and I did the same for him.
Fast forward a couple years, his car is having Subaru problems, but I loathe to see such talent go to waste, so I shared my car with him all season, thinking to broaden his experience horizon. Worked out really well, our times are often similar, but we go about it in totally different ways. Data is part of the “upgrade” list so we can compare and learn from each other.
Recently I was talking to his dad, to learn that he had been on motorcycles from the age of about 3. So his sense of feeling speed out is as refined as mine, though I’ve been driving longer than he’s been alive.
Long winded way of saying, don’t count the kids out simply based on age. Every once in a while you find a wunderkind.
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That’s a nice story. Really cool that you share your car with him.
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Oh it’s not entirely selfless haha, helps keep the tires warm between runs too. Plus it’s nice to see where we can both improve our techniques. That, and kids love the Exocet for whatever reason, literally have them lining up to go for rides. If I had a race team, hands down he would be on the driver list.
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